SHOULD I STAND BY MY MAN?

Dear Iyanla,

Recently my husband revealed to me that he's addicted to cocaine. When I think back, there were signs staring me in the face--missing cash, unexplained absences--but I didn't want to see them for what they were. I knew he got high, but he had told me it was an occasional recreational thing. I now realize that this challenge is more than the two of us can handle on our own. I've decided to put it in the Lord's hands, and I'm praying for a miracle. As a Christian, I know I must be patient, but I no longer trust my husband--I'm afraid of him. I keep my purse locked in the trunk of my car. Since our 3-month-old son was born, my husband has promised that he would stop running the streets all night, and so far he has. But he's verbally abusive. I have very broad shoulders and can take it--up to a point. How much more will I have to stand before I lose my mind? I want the man I fell in love with back. I have tried to make him get help, but to no avail. What should I do?

Oh, My Beloved,

My heart and my prayers go out to you and for you. Living with a loved one who has a substance-abuse problem is heart-wrenching. It can also become dangerous. The culture and environment of addiction can turn violent at any time because you can never be sure what a person will do to satisfy his addiction. Mounting drug debt can place you and your baby in financial and physical peril. I wish I could tell you that there is an easy way out of this situation. There is not. My instincts tell me that you and your son must run for your lives!

Many women believe that it is their duty to accept, tolerate and excuse conditions and experiences that place them in danger so they can save a relationship. Sometimes we use "I'm standing by my man" as an excuse for not standing for ourselves. The most self-loving thing you can do is refuse to participate in your husband's self-destructive behavior.